Bearing Witness

I started as a 911 operator when I was 18 years old.

I understood going into the job that I would be exposed to trauma. However, it was nothing like I had imagined.

Before I had even graduated, I took an active shooting call while on one of my four hour observations. During academy, we were required to take calls for one hour at a time to ease into the job before starting OJT, when we would be taking calls for ten hours a day.

During that single hour, there was a shooting at one of my city’s apartment complexes. One of the victims had been shot just outside my caller’s balcony. He was still alive and begging my caller to help him. I advised them not to. There was still an active shooter, and it was not safe to go outside while shots were continuing to be fired. He died.

I learned quickly that this job would often place me in the position of listening, not saving.

Within my second week of taking calls, I received one on our animal protection line. The man had blocked his number before calling. He told me he was in a hotel with a litter of puppies and said I needed to get a female animal protection officer on the line with him. If I didn’t, he said he would kill the puppies.

I kept my voice flat. I knew the call was likely sexually motivated, and that my fear was part of it. I refused to give him that.

I tried to explain multiple times that I could not transfer him directly to a female officer and that I would need to arrange for one to call him back. We went back and forth for several minutes before he gave up. He said it again. This time, it wasn’t a warning. He was going to kill the puppies.

He placed his phone speaker next to them. I listened to their small whines and cries.

Then the line disconnected.

The wall I had built dropped immediately. I turned to my trainer, who had been in the job for five years. Her expression said everything. She asked if I was okay and told me it was one of the worst calls she had ever heard.

I was understandably upset, but I knew I needed to finish processing the call. I informed my supervisor and continued with the rest of my shift. Nothing ever came of it. Because he had blocked his number and never provided the hotel address, we were unable to track him down.

To this day, I still struggle most with the calls where there is nothing I can do but listen.